I recently heard a true story about a young boy who got upset with his little friend, pointed his finger at her, and told his playmate exactly what he thought she had done wrong. A teacher saw him and suggested, “The next time you point your finger at someone, look at who your other three fingers are pointing at.” Interestingly, when the boy grew up and shared this story as an adult, he said he found out, soon after the actual incident, that his friend hadn’t done anything wrong, like he had accused her, so the teacher’s advice was even more poignant to him.

I always remind my girls that it isn’t our place to judge others – “You worry about your own behavior (because yours is the only behavior you can control) and let so-and-so worry about hers.” We often go on to discuss how, if you don’t like how someone else’s behavior made you or others feel, remember that the next time you have a similar choice to make with your own behavior. They get that, and I see it serving them well (most of the time) throughout various situations.

Although I haven’t done it often, I know I have pointed my finger at my daughters before when I was extremely upset with them and trying to make a firm “point” (no pun really intended). When I really stop and look back on those times, I realize that, often, when I get most upset about my children’s behavior, it is because that behavior reflects something about myself – that I have done or thought in some way – that I didn’t like. Yes, I do believe that the strength of my emotions during those times is largely due to me wanting to spare them the “pain” and aggravation of lessons I’ve already learned, but if I am being completely honest, I think the level of my frustration also has to do with the fact that our children are like little mirrors of ourselves, and it is sometimes tough to see that reflection. Also, just the nature of the gesture of finger-pointing implies accusation and blame-laying, and that is not a message I want to send to my children.

This story serves as a great reminder for me to approach those more challenging discussions with my kids in a calm and loving manner (although firm is absolutely OK when warranted!) that consciously conveys a message of understanding and learning, rather than one that may be interpreted as judgmental and/or condemning. I get the point! (Sorry, but pun definitely intended!)

Live Positively Fulfilled!

Lynn Ely
MomEvolve
Inspiring Moms to Evolve TM
www.momevolve.com